May 2010

Hope With Open Hands

For the last few days as I have flipped through my closet, I have seen many things I could be parting with pretty easily. For someone who doesn't like clutter, there are some material things in my life I have a hard time getting rid of. Though this has become much easier for me in recent years, I have still held onto some things to remember where I've been; it's like focusing on the stars in the night. A mentor once told me years ago that as I work through the past, I will have hope for the future. These were such true and wise words and I have applied them to so many aspects of my life. Today I applied them to clothes.

You see, it can be really hard for me to let things go when they remind me of positive moments and treasured times. But I have come to think that if we keep accumulating these trinkets, they will cause us to look back at the good times we've had so often, we will forget there are good times ahead. We will start focusing on the past and forget to live in the present. One of the things I have been learning is to let the past live in the past, that I can simply say goodbye and turn the corner, let it go and leave it behind. Now, you cannot say goodbye to something you do not know but once you have fully faced what you fear and dealt with it, you walk through the fear and leave it behind. This is not to say there aren't things that will come up again from your past that you need to deal with, but that it no longer has any hold over you. All your past can put in your way is fear and that is a choice up to you. In the midst of the fear, we hold onto things we think will anchor us but in the end, they are just things we never look at and never use. They need to go. If they go, if we stop holding onto them, we will realize there is nothing to be afraid of, that there was no reason to hold onto them in the first place. What is more, what we were holding onto was keeping us from receiving what God is always holding out for us: a joyful present and a hopeful future.

I've always wanted a closet of clothes that has a fraction of what has been hanging there because after all, a fraction is what I actually wear, and gradually, I've been getting rid of things. I tend to keep clothes and wear them until I shouldn't and then hold onto them for a "little" longer for the memories. But today, I decided to really do it. While deciding what to wear, I started taking things out and being harder on myself about this than I've ever been. I feel like I've peeled off a major onion layer on letting things go. I now have a huge pile of clothes to bag up and deliver to a charity. (Any suggestions?) I am sure there is quite a bit more I could get rid of so I will be going through it all again but I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself for doing it. And, just like that classic wisdom says that can be so hard to put into practice, I feel so much lighter for having done it. Now I'm looking around and thinking of what else I could get rid of that made it through my last round of cleaning out. So much of our lives in the American culture is taken up with managing our material goods. What if we had less? What could we devote that time to instead? For my part, I would much rather be out with people I care about, having fun, talking, hanging out, just being together. I would rather devote my time to people instead of things, they are by far, longer lasting.

My younger sister is fantastic at this. She doesn't keep things for emotional reasons. It's not her "mode of operation" and I admire her for this. Her apartment is home yet simple and I like that. I want to have that quality marking my own life. After getting back from visiting her in Milwaukee last year, I went on a cleaning binge but I am far more ready to let the past go and look toward the future than I have ever been before. I think she may be proud of me. (After she shakes her head in wonderment of why it has taken me so long to get this.)

There are things I will always treasure and want to keep: my Samantha doll and her things, my baby trunk, rocking chair, and doll cradle, my mother's wedding dress, and the dress I wore in her second wedding at age four, these are treasures of mine. I also kept a shirt and fleece that belonged to my grandfather in the care home. When he died, my mother and grandmother gave these to me so I could have something physical to wrap up in and remember him with. But aside from things like these, I find each time I am willing to get rid of a layer, another layer is far easier to let go of. And each part of me that is made new, I can leave behind the old. It feels really good!