October 2004

Search My Heart, Oh God

As I raised my hand to volunteer to give the devotion for an upcoming chapel at my school, I had no idea what God had in mind for me to speak on. Frankly, I took the opportunity because I needed practice in speaking about God's truth in front of an audience. Although, I must admit, the promise of extra credit did entice me.

I spent time throughout the next weekend trying to figure out what I wanted to say. After much thought, I still had no clue. By Sunday night, I was getting concerned. I needed to let my teacher know the verse I was speaking from, and I needed to let a fellow classmate know the topic so she could choose the music. I didn't want to make either of them run around at the last minute in preparation because I couldn't decide.

Then on Sunday night as I was coming down to the wire, I went out for a hot chocolate with a friend of mine and we ended up having a very difficult conversation about relational issues. We had misscommunicated a lot over the last couple of weeks and both of us had been hurt by it. By nature, I am a compassionate person and because I know what it feels like to be in pain, I try very hard not to be the cause of it in anyone else. I realized during our talk, though, that my friend also had a misconception of who I was. My fellow students at George Fox would tell you I am outspoken, kind, confident, and unafraid to take on a challenge. They would also tell you I am honest with my struggles and that I am open with my heart. But with this friend, she didn't know me because I held back in fear of fully trusting her. By putting my own fears before my friend's needs of a real relationship, I put a good friendship in the line of conflict.

The conversation I had with my friend that Sunday night brought up a lot of questions for me. I talked these questions out with other trusted friends who took my candid honesty and returned it with understanding and a willingness to work through the development of my integrity with me. As I struggled for the answers, I also argued with God, let Him know exactly where I was at, asked Him why I was there, and searched for the truth.

What I found were some startling revelations. One of which, is that it feels good to express our anger and frustrations about what God is doing, to God. He can take it! The Psalms are full of such words, "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2)" It is okay to wrestle with our pain and not hide it for only by acknowledging what is truly in our hearts, will we be able to confess our failings and be set free through the power of forgiveness. And forgiveness is a powerful agent, forgiveness from God, from each other, and hardest of all, forgiveness from ourselves.

With this message on my heart, I stepped up to the front of the classroom while praying to God that my classmates would forgive me if I tripped over my own tongue in trying to relate what I felt God wanted me to say. Some speakers will tell you not to reveal too much personal information and that can be a good guideline. But God told me to go up there and to simply tell my story about what I learned from Him. So, shaking like raspberry jello inside, I proceeded with brutal honesty to tell the crowded classroom of my hurt and inner questions. More importantly, I told them how I took that pain to God and how they too, needed to be honest with God no matter where they were at. God would rather have our anger than our silence. After you have shouted at Him, though, you need to give Him equal talking time. It is then He will look at you and gently tell you what He thinks and He will encourage you in the struggle.

Whether your struggle is small or large, God wants you to tell Him about it. He wants to be invited to walk along side you, to help you. Even if it is something like preaching in chapel, nerve-wracking as I now know that can be, He has the power to bring you through it and to shine through your darkness in astounding and glorious ways. Go to Him.

In His Service,

Sarah Katreen Hoggatt

Last Updated: 12/30/2011