October 2008

(Me speaking on the panel at Willamette Quarterly earlier this month.)

Hold Onto Your Dreams

He said he would never put me in front of a congregation, I was not a speaker. It didn't matter he had never bothered to let me try it or that the one time I was standing in front of his church, he had instructed me not to say anything, that I was merely up there to be seen. I was furious he would place such a verdict on me without ever getting to know me or helping me be a better speaker if indeed his dim prognosis was true. But it wasn't and I knew it. When the final interview for my internship was done, my professor and I rose from our chairs, thanked him, and walked down the hall. As we walked, she quietly whispered we would talk outside.

This pastor's opinion wasn't the first of its type I had heard. When I was in college, I talked to one of the female staff of a Christian organization I was involved with that I wanted to go into the ministry. She was discouraging of this avenue and didn't think I could do it. After college, I spoke with our assistant pastor, a female, about going into the ministry. She too, did nothing to encourage me in my hope. Then, one day I was having lunch with a trusted friend and she told me she could not see me in ministry. That one was heartbreaking as I held a deep respect for this woman and this was something I really wanted. Ever since I was in junior high, I wanted to be a speaker. I would sit and listen to the motivational speakers that came to our school and dream about being one myself someday. I held to this dream with every speaker I heard. I knew I didn't speak well, like Moses, I wasn't sure of myself and had speech therapy every week. But that is what I wanted to do. I had point A, I saw point C, but I had no idea how I would get from one to the other. But I believed in myself and that one day, I would get there.

Then George Fox Evangelical Seminary came into my life and I didn't look back. This is what I wanted, this was the path before my feet and I walked it with love, joy, and a thirst for learning. I nearly cried the first time my professor, Carole, told me I had a gift for speaking and teaching. Then MaryKate told me I had the gift of leadership. For the first time in my life, I had people encouraging me in my dream. (There were two exceptions in my youth group in high school.) For the first time, people really believed in my ability to be in front of a group and do well.

When Dr. Laura and I got out to the parking lot that day, she turned to me and laid her foot down- hard. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't you listen to him. Don't you believe any of it. If this is what you want to do, if this is what is in your heart, you do it and don't listen to anybody who tells you otherwise." As she had worked with me on my speaking skills and taught me a lot through our classes, this meant a great deal to me. She was one of those people who tell you exactly like it is, no holding back. So her encouragement was quite uplifting for my soul.

Since that afternoon, I have gone on to speak at several different retreats, conferences, groups, and even a congregation. A few memorable times, I felt like I had fallen flat on my face but as time has gone by, I have grown more confident and comfortable. Now it is something I enjoy doing and I am getting good at it.

It's strange now, looking back from point C. It's like looking at a mirror for a long time, and then suddenly find yourself staring back. How did it happen? Though I couldn't tell you exactly, I think it was because I stuck to what I knew in my innermost heart. It wasn't always easy to believe in my dream, sometimes I agreed with the naysayers around me, I wasn't a good speaker. But like Dr. Laura told me that afternoon, people can learn and they grow and they can become a great speaker. I believed her.

Yesterday I was asked to speak to a youth group in my area. This meant a great deal to me for it is my first opportunity to go back and tell a girl or boy what I wish someone had told me when I was their age. Believe in yourself, hold to your dreams, work toward them, and they will enter your life and fill your hands and heart with joy.

Last Updated: 12/30/2011